A Better Wife in Intimacy

I don’t believe in the concept of soul mates.

Before you jump ship and assume I don’t solely love my husband, hear me out. There is nothing biblical about God designing one particular person for you to marry. It is, in fact, contrary to grace to expect another imperfect human being to meet our own unachievable standards and level of compatability. Instead, God simply tells us the type of person to marry and how to act within marriage. Leaving out specifics like the exact person whom we should marry allows grace to enter our marriage as we work towards oneness.

While I don’t believe there is “the one” out there for each person, I do believe that when you and your spouse stand before God and loved ones and enter into a sacred covenant your new spouse becomes the only one. Prior to meeting my husband, there were a great multitude of men that could have been a future spouse for me and they would have, to varying degrees, worked out for me. Yet I chose Devin. When we got married, all others faded away and this man became the only man for me. We now choose daily to cultivate intimacy in our marriage to grow into oneness.

When many think of intimacy, they think of purely sex. Truthfully this thought process confines intimacy and does a disservice to couples. Intimacy in marriage should encompass all of who we are. While the physical aspect (our bodies) plays a role in this, we must not neglect intimacy in our souls (friendship) and spirit (faith). As comprehensive as our God is, he, of course, wouldn’t leave any of these areas out as he displayed his design for marriage in Song of Solomon. So let’s dive into how a better wife engages in intimacy.

A better wife is emotionally intimate with her husband.

In particular to this concept of intimacy, I’ve been thinking of one particular passage where the wife speaks in the Song. It’s Song of Solomon 7:10-13. As it relates to emotional intimacy, verse 10 stands out as it says, “I am my lover’s and he claims me as his own.” As women this day in age reading this, we need to brush aside any feminist views we might have when we read this. Her husband is not owning her as a possession; rather, he is embracing her in oneness as his wife.

Throughout the Song the man refers to his wife as, “my sister, my bride.” While that seems odd in our current culture, he was expressing much like Tim McGraw does in his song “My Best Friend” that she was more than just a lover to him. They enjoyed one another’s company for more than just a sexual exchange. Instead of being a slave to her husband, she was fully his emotionally and bound to him in friendship.

A better wife can be emotionally vulnerable with her husband. They’ve built in their marriage trust and friendship. They didn’t let their connection die in the premarital phase. They cultivated intimacy by intentionally spending time together as companions. She communicates openly with her husband and plans intentional time with him which profits emotional safety and closeness with him.

A better wife is sexually intimate with her husband.

If no one has told you, I’m here to say that wives, we are biblically obligated and honored to initiate sex with our husbands.

The next part of this passage, Song of Solomon 7:11-13, goes as follows: “come, my love, let us go out to the fields and spend the night among the wildflowers. Let us get up early and go to the vineyards to see if the grapevines have budded, if the blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates have bloomed. There I will give you my love. There the mandrakes give off their fragrance, and the finest fruits are at our door, new delights as well as old, which I have saved for you, my lover.” Here she’s saying, “hey, baby. Let’s get away. Let’s go have a second honeymoon and do what lovers do. I know what you like under the sheets and you better believe I’m bringing it as well as some new ideas I have for us to try out.”

If initiating sex isn’t your forte, don’t worry; you’re not alone. I genuinely thought for a long time it was the man’s job to get things going in the bedroom. But ladies, if we leave this entirely up to our husbands, we are missing out on an opportunity for intimacy.

Sex in marriage is so much more than a simple physical act. It’s an opportunity for connection, a service to our husbands, a moment for celebration, a role in creation, an event for pleasure, and a glimpse of an eternal desire. All of these aspects of sex cultivate intimacy. They draw us closer towards becoming one with another human being. Why wouldn’t we initiate such a powerful gift for connection?

A better wife gets things going in bed. She actively seeks her husband sexually. She knows this physical act reaches far beyond the physical. With joy, she partakes in the love she and her husband share. Seeing it as an opportunity instead of a burden, she goes boldly into sexual intimacy.

A better wife is spirituality intimate with her husband.

While the Song doesn’t specifically give an account of the couple praying or reading the Bible together, I would be misrepresenting the heart of God towards marriage if I didn’t include intimacy on a spiritual level.

As I said, Song of Solomon does not directly speak on spiritual intimacy, but that isn’t to say that this concept is completely foreign to the Bible. Quite the contrary actually. I’ve talked about the marriage in this book being God’s heart towards marriage in this fallen state. But the ultimate marriage was the one between Adam and Eve in the garden before sin entered the world. In the narrative in Genesis 1-3, we continually see examples of the couple and God walking and talking together. This, if the world were perfect and without sin, would be how God would want our marriages to be.

Unfortunately, we don’t live in such a utopia yet. Thankfully God hasn’t left us to fend for ourselves without instruction. In Deuteronomy 6:6-9, Moses instructs the people of God to speak and repeat the living, breathing word of God in their homes. The Bible should be a regularly read book in our homes and in our marriage.

You may find the “missing link” in your intimacy with your spouse is in the area of spirituality. We were made for God and in his likeness. Therefore the spiritual side of us is a prominent side of us. Yet, spiritual intimacy is often neglected. As with any intimacy, closeness is only achieved by vulnerability. You can be sexually intimate fairly easily. Emotional intimacy comes a little harder but is built quickly through solid friendship. But you are never fully naked in front of your spose until you engage spirituality with them. As spiritual beings, we can’t enter into oneness until we enter into our faith together. In drawing closer to the God who made us and designed marriage, we enter into a higher level of intimacy.

The better wife engages spiritually with her husband. She prays and studies God’s word with him. They attend a Bible believing church together. She knows to reach their fullest potential of intimacy, she can’t be indifferent in their spiritual relationship. To grow closer together, they must grow closer to God.

Intimacy includes and goes so far beyond steamy romantic getaways. The two become one in emotions, bodies, and spirits. While no one perfect person exists out there for us, we can grow into being “soul mates” with the one we choose to marry. But this growth towards oneness takes action and dedication. We don’t immediately become best friends with someone. The first time in bed is a little awkward. And praying together feels unnatural and uncomfortable initially. Intimacy must be cultivated to take full bloom. With intentional persistence, we can have the relationship we’ve always dreamed about: the marriage God designed for us.

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