As I sit here with a dull ache in my chest and a heaviness on my mind, I don’t fully know what to write. How do you put into words a year that went so wrong? How do you summarize the canceled plans, unexpected tragedy, the worldwide brokenness into one blogpost by one insignificant person? How can I put into words all that’s flooding my mind? I don’t think I will do this year justice as I cannot speak from any perspective but my own, but I will try to pen something that makes some sense and is hopefully relatable to others.
This year was the first year I truly wrestled with anxiety and depression. Truthfully it started late 2019 but it made itself known full well in 2020. I had a hormonal imbalance which lead me to be prone to both anxiety and depression. Despite a supplement to balance out my hormones, I still battled thoughts that my husband of only a year would be better off with out me and frankly that all people would be better off without having me as a burden in their life. There has been multiple instances of breaking down crying, hyperventilating, and wishing I could slam my head into a wall to stop my racing thoughts. I have wanted to crawl into myself and out of myself all at the same time. This year I have felt far more broken than I knew was possible.
I can’t imagine that I was alone feeling this way. Your story of 2020 was likely not identical to mine. You maybe lost your job or were ill or had some big event canceled or had a loved one die or were broken in some way. This year has been disappointing in ways that rocked the soul. My heart aches for you. This isn’t how the world was meant to be.
Yet, I have found a light of hope cutting through the darkness this year.
All the depression and anxiety I experienced this year and am still grappling with to a degree has drove me to my knees. When I thought I couldn’t do on and I was overwhelmed by sadness, God was my strength and encouragement. When my anxious thoughts threatened to over take me, I found peace and quiet in the Lord. My brokenness forced me to heavily lean on the God who is there. I have learned to even appreciate my troubles because it causes me to fully rely on my heavenly Father. I praise God for the way He has used my mental struggle! Without this suffering of 2020, I wouldn’t have the relationship with Him that I have. I count it joy as the Apostle Paul said.
The struggle I’ve faced this year has prepared me also for whatever lies ahead in 2021. Because of the mental battles I’ve faced, I’m learning to make peace with the unknown. God’s sovereignty despite my lack of understanding comforts me. To know that He is ultimately in control, will one day bring justice, and is not surprised by events or people has brought tranquility to my heart. Also, the anticipation for heaven has wildly comforted me. While I may not travel to incredible places in the next year, I know my true home in heaven will showcase more breathtaking views that this world could ever hold. In God and in a bight eternal future I find hope.
Maybe you’re not yet at the place where you can count 2020 as joy. Maybe you’re still struggling with the sovereignty of God and heaven. But I encourage you to try relying on God. In Him, your brokenness this past year and every year is made whole.
But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me. Moring, noon, and night I cry out in distress, and the Lord hears my voice. He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me. God, who has ruled forever, will hear me and humble them.
Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.
Psalm 55:16-19, 22